Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Congress Designates Roger Clemens An "International Terrorist"

Congress overwhelmingly approved a resolution on Wednesday urging the Justice Department to designate baseball pitching great, Roger Clemens, as a terrorist.

According to Rep. John Tierney (D-Mass), a co-sponsor of the resolution, Clemens and a host of other Major League players have managed to obtain anabolic steroids and are currently engaged in a secret program to develop their muscles into weapons of mass destruction".

"Armed with these kind of muscles," Tierney warned, "Clemens and his ilk would have the potential to totally obliterate every major record in Baseball!"

"It is imperative that we prevent these rogue athletes from procuring anabolic steroids," Tierney added. "And it is essential that congress take immediate action to defend the integrity of Major League Baseball from those who wish to do it harm!"

However, Presidential hopefuls, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, were among several Democratic lawmakers who voted against the resolution, saying that if anything, they would prefer to make all prescription drugs, including anabolic steroids, more accessible and affordable for all Major League players.

"You have no idea how many players have complained to me," Senator Clinton said, " that they can no longer afford to pay for their steroid injections due to the skyrocketing costs of performance-enhancing drugs."

"We've got to redress this problem immediately," Clinton asserted. "And I pledge that if I'm elected President, I will implement an affordable, universal, mandatory steroid program for all Major League players, regardless of race, creed or team affiliation."

However, Illinois Senator, Barack Obama told reporters on Wednesday that he was opposed to the idea of implementing a mandatory steroid program, however, he did offer up a plan of his own, which he said would make steroids more accessible to professional athletes.

"Under my steroids health care initiative," Obama said, "team owners would be required to contribute a percentage of their payroll to help cover the costs of performance-enhancing drugs for their employees."

"My plan would also mandate the drug companies and health providers to provide lower quality drugs and services for their clients," Obama said, "this, in turn, would lower the costs of steroids and make them more affordable for everyone."

"Ultimately," Obama said, "it's a matter of sacrificing quality, in order to ensure that every baseball player gets the steroids he needs."

"Under my health care proposal," Obama reasoned, "all players would have access to affordable steroid injections, and there'd be no need to implement a mandatory steroid program."

"Furthermore," Obama asserted, "any mandatory program that would require an athlete to stick a needle in himself against his own free will is simply unconscionable, and it definitely would not be in the best interest of Mr. Clemens or any other baseball player." I DiggIt!