Friday, May 9, 2008

Obama Succeeds In Uniting The American People - Against One Another

Barack Obama's ability to transcend race and ethnicity has had a profoundly unifying effect on Democratic voters, according to CNN political analyst Dr. Jamie Mindburgler, who cited the recent convergence among white voters in support of Hillary Clinton and the unprecedented unity among African Americans in support of Senator Obama, as evidence of Obama's unifying power.

"Obama has managed to unite both African Americans and Caucasians into two distinctive and disparate voting blocks", Mindburgler said, "and that speaks volumes about Obama's ability to reach out across racial lines."

The results of Tuesday's primaries seem to corroborate Mindburgler's assessment.

Exit polls of Tuesday's primaries indicate that both African Americans and whites chose to unite behind their respective race - with African Americans unanimously voting for Barack Obama and whites overwhelmingly supporting Hillary Clinton.

"The unity we're seeing right now among Democratic voters," said North Carolina Democratic Party Chairman, Jerry Meeks, a super delegate who's come out in support of Obama,"is unprecedented in the annals of American politics. I can't recall a time in our nation's history when African Americans and Whites have been so united in their opposition to one another! For the first time in my adult life, I actually feel proud to be an American!"

Added Meeks: "It's a testament not only to Barack Obama's unifying appeal, but to Jeremiah Wright's ability to transcend race and connect with people of all walks of life, including the Taliban, Al Qaeda and Libyan President, Muammar Qaddafi."

North Carolina, super delegate, Jeanette Council - who recently announced her endorsement of Senator Obama - had some kind words of praise for the American people too.

"What the results of Tuesday's Primaries show," said Council, "is that when push comes to shove, Americans are capable of uniting not only behind the American flag, but behind the color of their skin as well."

Super delegate, John Gage of Maryland, who recently jumped on to the Obama bandwagon, also lavished effusive praise on Obama and his message of unity.

"Obama," Gage proclaimed, "has imbued both Blacks and Whites with a renewed sense of pride in the superiority of their respective communities. And I'm thrilled today to announce my endorsement of the ultimate unifier - Barack Obama."

However, Mr. Gage conceded that come November, he intends to vote for Senator McCain.

"Ultimately," he said, "if I'm going to embrace Senator Obama's message of unity, I'll have to reunite with the white community and support a member of my own race." I DiggIt!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Obama Distances Himself From Obama

Saying he was deeply ashamed of his past ties to Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers and a host of other hideous miscreants, Barack Obama announced on Thursday that he was officially distancing himself from himself.

Obama said he'd made the desicion to split paths with himself shortly after learning about his ties to Rev. Wright and Mr. Ayers.

"Knowing what I know now about myself and my heinous past," Obama said, "I can not possibly continue this relationship with myself any longer."

"Hence," Obama continued, "let it be known to one and all, that effective as of today, I am officially disowning myself for good."

However, Obama's alter ego, who's reportedly split with Obama over the matter, warned reporters on Wednesday that he was "not about to close up shop anytime soon".

"Not only will I not disown my heinous circle of friends," he warned, "but I will soon ascend to the Presidency and begin meeting with the biggest devil of 'em all - Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." I DiggIt!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Bill Ayers Officially Disowns Barack Obama

Enraged over remarks recently made by Barack Obama in which he expressed his contempt for rural Americans who cling to guns, former Weather Underground fugitive, Bill Ayers announced on Tuesday that he was officially terminating his longtime relationship with Barack Obama.

Ayers asserted that guns were among the Weather Underground's most treasured possessions and a crucial element of its terrorist operations.

"As a former close confidante of Senator Obama," Ayers said, "and one who clearly espouses the same extremist ideologies as Obama, I'm in total shock that he's suddenly developed this peculiar loathing for guns."

"Were it not for the use of guns, explosives and other weapons of mass destruction," Ayers asserted, "we could not have possibly put into practice the very extremist ideologies which Obama purports to embrace."

"Be as it may be," Ayers added, "I have no choice but to distance myself from this treacherous human being. Hence, let it be known to one and all that effective as of today I am officially terminating my relationship with Barack Obama."

However, Barack Obama's spiritual mentor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, came out in defense of Obama on Tuesday, telling reporters that Mr. Ayers had misconstrued the Illinois Senator's remarks.

"Barack Obama has never had an aversion to guns when used by good Samaritans like Bill Ayers and other terrorists, whose only wish is to wreak havoc upon this oppressive nation of ours," Wright contended. "His sole gripe is with rural Americans who cling to guns in order to spread their extremist ideologies throughout this despicable country of ours, otherwise known as the US of KKK-A."

"Unfortunately," Rev. Wright added, "Mr. Ayers is probably getting his information from those firebrand anchormen over at Fox News."

Editor's Note - Barack Obama today told reporters that he was outraged by comments made on Monday by his spiritual mentor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. However, it is interesting to note that Obama's statement "The person I saw yesterday was not the person that I met 20 years ago," seems eerily similar to remarks made by the Reverend Louis Farrakhan on March 21st as quoted here on this blog:

"On the heels of Barack Obama's recent criticism of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Nation Of Islam leader, Reverend Louis Farrakhan announced on Friday that he was withdrawing his endorsement of Barack Obama."

"Barack Obama is not same person that I knew just a few short months ago," Farrakhan lamented. "He has suddenly rejected the hate-filled ideologies which were once part and parcel of his his his pastor's and his own audacity of hope. I do not know what has suddenly become of this man. Perhaps he is ill, or maybe he has gone mad. But in any case, he is not the Barack Obama of old, and I can not endorse his candidacy any longer...." Please click here to read the full post. I DiggIt!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Bill Clinton: "Obama's Chickens Are Coming Home To Roost!"

Former President Bill Clinton on Monday lambasted Barack Obama for his seemingly indignant reaction to Hillary Clinton's latest attacks against him.

"Barack Obama and Rev. Jeremiah Wright have attacked far more people than Hillary has ever attacked," Clinton asserted, "and now they are indignant because the stuff they have done to others is being brought right back to their own front yards?!"

"God Damn Obama, God damn Rev. Wright!" Clinton exclaimed. "Obama's chickens.......are coming rooooost!"

The former President's highly charged remarks drew heavy criticism from Obama's campaign manager, David Axelrod, who demanded that Hillary Clinton end her 30 year relationship with her firebrand husband and seek out a more congenial spouse to live with.

Nevertheless, Hillary Clinton insisted that disowning her husband was "simply out of the question".

"I totally reject my husbands inflammatory remarks," she said, "but as imperfect as Bill may be, he has been like family to me."

"He strengthened my faith, attended my wedding and helped me rear my child," she said. "Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about anyone in derogatory terms. I can no more disown him than I could my own daughter, Chelsea - a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, but a woman who once professed a feeling of aversion towards me and Bill, and who on more than one occasion uttered remarks about us that made us cringe."

"Let me make this perfectly clear," Hillary added, "Bill is a part of me and he is a part of the perverse political establishment that I cherish so dearly, and I will never abandon him, so help me God."

However, Mr. Axelrod expressed dismay over Hillary's latest disclaimer, telling reporters on Tuesday that it was "seemingly impossible that after 30 years of living with Bill Clinton and listening to his blustering diatribes, that Hillary had been unaware of her husband's divisive remarks".

"Are we to believe that Hillary just happened to be away from home every time her hate-mongering husband went off on one of his virulent tirades?" he questioned. "Only a pathological liar like Hillary is capable of uttering such a depiscable canard! You can rest assured, that's something Barack Obama will never do, even if it means abandoning his own friends and spiritual mentors!" I DiggIt!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Ahmadinejad Says Terrorists Could Remain In Iraq For Another 100 Years

At a town hall meeting in Tehran on Thursday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed a perturbed audience member who expressed his concern that Iranian terrorists could remain in Iraq for another 50 years.

"Why not make it a hundred?" Ahmadinejad quipped. "We've had terrorists in Lebanon for over 20 years, so I suppose 50 years in Iraq would be fine with me, as long as they're not getting injured or killed. But if any them do get killed, you could rest assured that thousands of innocent Iraqis will die right along side them."

Ahmadinejad's remarks drew heavy criticism from several members of the Iranian parliament who claimed Ahmadinejad was planning on continuing the insurgency in Iraq for another 100 years.

Ahmadinejad, however, allayed those concerns on Friday, telling reporters that his words had been misinterpreted.

"I never said the insurgency would last another 100 years," he said, "I simply stated that we've had terrorists in Lebanon for over 20 years, so there's no reason why we can't have terrorists in Iraq indefinitely."

"Listen," Ahmadinejad explained, "if Iranian terrorists are withdrawn from the region precipitately, we could forfeit any chance of nurturing a free and theocratic society in Iraq."

Illinois Senator Barack Obama, however, quickly seized on Ahmadinejad's '100 year' gaffe to distinguish himself from both the Iranian President and Senator John McCain.

"Senator McCain, like his ideological pal, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad plans on occupying Iraq indefinitely," Obama told a crowd of supporters at a campaign rally in Philadelphia on Friday. "But I pledge to you today, that if I'm elected President, America will never again encroach upon another nation's insurgency! And you can take that promise with you all the way to the bank!" I DiggIt!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Barack Obama's Promise Of Change Rings True In The Year 2009

Ed. Note: Dear reader, (yes! that means you!) let us gaze into the crystal ball and see what the future holds for us one year from today, in the year 2009:

Baghdad - It is the fourth day of April, 2009, nearly 3 months since President Barack Obama withdrew US troops from Iraq and barely 2 months since Iran and Al Qaeda seized control of the country. And already radical pro-Democracy elements within Iraq are attempting to topple the new Iranian/AlQaeda regime.

In an urgent 3 AM phone call to the White House Friday morning, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden briefed President Obama about the current upheaval in Iraq - and pleaded with him to return US troops to the region to help quell the pro-Democratic insurgency.

However, according to a White House official who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity, President Obama has no immediate plans to return US troops to the region anytime soon.

The White House official told reporters that President Obama held a hastily convened meeting Friday morning with members of his administration in which he emphatically opined that US troops would never be able to thwart the pro-Democratic insurgency in Iraq.

"If we wish to strengthen the new theocratic regime of Iraq and foster totalitarianism in the middle east," Obama said, "we must be willing to talk to our enemies, even if it means negotiating with unsavory, pro-Democratic insurgents like former Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki."

The White House official also said that Obama will travel to the Middle East early next week and meet with America's new allies, including the leaders of Iran, Al Qaeda and the Mahdi Army. But most importantly, he will also meet with America's adversaries, including former Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki and other pro-Democratic elements in Iraq, and attempt to convince them to lay down their weapons and to recognize Iran and Al Qaeda's sovereignty in Iraq.

"It's never easy to meet with people like al-Maliki who espouse fanatical Democratic ideologies," the official said, "but ultimately, we must be willing to talk to our enemies if we wish to bestow peace and totalitarianism upon the Middle East."

"I believe Barack Obama is on the right track," he added. "He promised us he would bring about change, and indeed, Iraq has changed dramatically over the last few months! Who would have ever dreamt that Iraq would morph into a benevolent theocracy in such a short period of time?! I DiggIt!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Obama: My Close Ties To Racists Will Help Me Unite This Country

In a monumental address to the nation last week, Barack Obama assured the American people that his close relationship with his bigoted pastor and prejudiced grandmother, would make him "the perfect candidate to heal the nation's racial wounds".

"For the last 20 years," Obama asserted, "I've had the privilege to attend the sermons of a beloved pastor of mine who has uttered some of the most vile and racist remarks ever known to mankind!"

"And indeed," Obama continued, "after many years of hearing these uplifting sermons, I am truly the only candidate who can heal the racial divide that exists in America."

"Furthermore," Obama added, "my grandmother was a genuine, true-blooded redneck, who made me cringe every time she uttered a racist remark. So I think I know what it feels like to live in the US of KKK-A."

Obama also asserted that he was more experienced in matters of race than both Hillary Clinton and John McCain.

"Hillary Clinton and John McCain have never been associated with the kind of racists that I've been associated with," Obama said. "Hence, they are incapable of empathizing with people like me, whose sole source of inspiration are the race-baiting sermons of people like Jeremiah Wright!"

Obama's speech was immediately hailed by the media as one of the most eloquent speeches on race ever delivered by an American politician.

Obama's pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, also lauded the monumental speech and insisted that Obama would "unite the American people once and for all".

"This is a man who has never once vilified me for my bigoted remarks," Reverend Wright said of Obama. "And it simply stands to reason that if he can find common ground with a bigot like me, he'll surely be able to find common ground with all of America's bigots and bring them all together- and heal the US of KKK-A once and for all." I DiggIt!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Farrakhan Withdraws Endorsement Of Barack Obama

On the heels of Barack Obama's recent criticism of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Nation Of Islam leader, Reverend Louis Farrakhan announced on Friday that he was withdrawing his endorsement of Barack Obama.

"Barack Obama is not same person that I knew just a few short months ago," Farrakhan lamented. "He has suddenly rejected the hate-filled ideologies which were once part and parcel of his pastor's and his own audacity of hope. I do not know what has suddenly become of this man. Perhaps he is ill, or maybe he has gone mad. But in any case, he is not the Barack Obama of old, and I can not endorse his candidacy any longer. Hence, effective as of today, I am withdrawing my endorsement of Obama and I call on all noble-minded Americans, who truly cherish bigotry and prejudice, to do the same."

However, Barack Obama on Friday defended his criticism of Reverend Wright, telling reporters that "I'm simply trying to bring about change for the good of this country"!

"I promised the American people that I would bring about change," Obama said, "and indeed, I have changed. I am no longer the race-baiting fanatic I once was just a few short months ago. And if that's not "change you can believe in", then perhaps you just don't believe I can change!" I DiggIt!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Obama: My Relationship With My Hate-Mongering Pastor Was Strictly Spiritual And Not Political

Defending his 20-year relationship with the hate-mongering pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama told reporters today that Wright is merely a spiritual mentor of his, and not his political adviser.

"By no means is this morally corrupt man a political adviser of mine," Obama asserted, "he is strictly a spiritual mentor of mine who has imbued me with a divine hatred for America and a glorious and sacred contempt for my fellow countrymen."

"But let me make this perfectly clear," Obama added, "this antipathy that Reverend Wright and I have for America is strictly spiritual and it has absolutely no bearing on my political views, nor will it ever alter the tremendous respect and admiration that I have for this despicable country of ours."

Meanwhile, Senator Obama's church issued a statement today defending Reverend Wright's "obnoxious remarks" and lambasting the public for focusing "on just a few of his abominable statements".

"Reverend Wright's assertion that the US government created the aids virus to kill African Americans and other similar remarks of his which have recently been unearthed," the statement reads, "are merely a drop in the bucket of a long litany of odious remarks which the honorable Reverend has made over his illustrious 36 year career. It is simply unfair to cast judgment on our saintly pastor unless you've been privileged to hear all of his revolting statements!"

Related Post

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Congress Designates Roger Clemens An "International Terrorist"

Congress overwhelmingly approved a resolution on Wednesday urging the Justice Department to designate baseball pitching great, Roger Clemens, as a terrorist.

According to Rep. John Tierney (D-Mass), a co-sponsor of the resolution, Clemens and a host of other Major League players have managed to obtain anabolic steroids and are currently engaged in a secret program to develop their muscles into weapons of mass destruction".

"Armed with these kind of muscles," Tierney warned, "Clemens and his ilk would have the potential to totally obliterate every major record in Baseball!"

"It is imperative that we prevent these rogue athletes from procuring anabolic steroids," Tierney added. "And it is essential that congress take immediate action to defend the integrity of Major League Baseball from those who wish to do it harm!"

However, Presidential hopefuls, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, were among several Democratic lawmakers who voted against the resolution, saying that if anything, they would prefer to make all prescription drugs, including anabolic steroids, more accessible and affordable for all Major League players.

"You have no idea how many players have complained to me," Senator Clinton said, " that they can no longer afford to pay for their steroid injections due to the skyrocketing costs of performance-enhancing drugs."

"We've got to redress this problem immediately," Clinton asserted. "And I pledge that if I'm elected President, I will implement an affordable, universal, mandatory steroid program for all Major League players, regardless of race, creed or team affiliation."

However, Illinois Senator, Barack Obama told reporters on Wednesday that he was opposed to the idea of implementing a mandatory steroid program, however, he did offer up a plan of his own, which he said would make steroids more accessible to professional athletes.

"Under my steroids health care initiative," Obama said, "team owners would be required to contribute a percentage of their payroll to help cover the costs of performance-enhancing drugs for their employees."

"My plan would also mandate the drug companies and health providers to provide lower quality drugs and services for their clients," Obama said, "this, in turn, would lower the costs of steroids and make them more affordable for everyone."

"Ultimately," Obama said, "it's a matter of sacrificing quality, in order to ensure that every baseball player gets the steroids he needs."

"Under my health care proposal," Obama reasoned, "all players would have access to affordable steroid injections, and there'd be no need to implement a mandatory steroid program."

"Furthermore," Obama asserted, "any mandatory program that would require an athlete to stick a needle in himself against his own free will is simply unconscionable, and it definitely would not be in the best interest of Mr. Clemens or any other baseball player." I DiggIt!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Bloomberg: Global Warming Is More Dangerous Than Al Qaeda!

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg on Monday said that Global Warming poses a greater threat to the human race than terrorism.

"We may be experiencing extremely cold Weather right now," Bloomberg told reporters, "but you and I both know that Global Warming is hiding out there somewhere, laying in ambush, and merely waiting for the opportune time to attack us."

Bloomberg said that the Department Of Homeland Security should begin shifting its focus away from Global Terrorism and start focusing "on the real enemy, Global Warming".

"No one really knows if Al Qaeda has infiltrated the US or not," Bloomberg said. "But we do know with certainty that Global Warming has already arrived on our shores, and has simply chosen to remain dormant until it receives a directive from the hierarchy high above to attack us."

Bloomberg also suggested that the recent snow storms and cold weather could simply be a ploy by Global Warming to lull the American people into complacency before it unleashes a full-fledged attack against the US.

"I wouldn't be surprised at all if all this freezing weather is merely a crafty stratagem on the part of Global Warming." Bloomberg said, "in order to trick us into thinking that she's actually been defeated. But then suddenly, BOOM, she'll appear out of nowhere, and lo and behold, we'll all be incinerated - may the Lord have mercy on us all!"

Meanwhile, former Vice President, Al Gore today speculated that "President Bush's reluctance to confront Global Warming may have already cost the nation dearly".

"Perhaps President Bush will wake up one day and decide to confront Global Warming once and for all," Gore told a group of Greenpeace activists today. "But by then, the entire Earth will already be so warm, I'm afraid we'll never be able to experience the soothing sensation of a freezing cold winter day again."

"We must wage a pre-emptive war against Global Warming now," Gore asserted, "otherwise, those blissful, freezing days of yore will simply fade into a distant memory, never to return again for all of eternity. May the Lord have mercy on us all!" I DiggIt!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Cash-Strapped Hillary Clinton Forced To Take Out Loan From Herself

New York Senator, Hillary Clinton acknowledged on Wednesday that she loaned her campaign five million dollars late last month.

"I wanted to support the Presidential candidate who agrees with my own political views," she explained, "but there's no other candidate out there who agrees with my political views more than I do - so I decided to write out a check to myself."

Nevertheless, at a campaign stop in Midland Texas today, Arizona Senator, John McCain lambasted Hillary Clinton for accepting campaign contributions from herself and accused her of violating the Campaign Finance Reform Act and of caving in to special interests groups.

"Senator Clinton says she'd like to limit the influence of special interests groups," McCain said, "but apparently, she's taken money from the biggest special interest group of all - herself!"

However, according to Dr. George Turnwell, a noted political analyst and the head of UCLA's Political Science Department, Hillary's five million dollar loan won't get her very far in this race.

"In order for Hillary to stay alive in this campaign," Turnwell said, "she's got to come up with some donors, other than herself, who are willing to lay out some cash for her. Now, I know that's not such an easy task, but worse comes to worst, she can always ask her daughter, Chelsea, to lay out some money for her. I'm sure Chelsea would be more than willing to assist her mother in her time of need."

Nevertheless, while Turnwell's idea certainly sounded good on paper, Chelsea Clinton, when queried about the proposal reacted ambivalently to it.

"I'm sorry," she said, "but my dad absolutely abhors when I lend out huge sums of money like that! Then again, we're talking about my own mother...hmmm...., well, maybe my dad will make an exception this time around." I DiggIt!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Castro Threatens To Cancel His New York Times Subscription

Enraged over an op-ed piece in Sunday's New York Times in which Caroline Kennedy compared Barack Obama to her father, the late President John F. Kennedy, Cuban President Fidel Castro announced today that he was planning on canceling his New York Times subscription.

Citing John F. Kennedy's attempt to topple the Castro regime in the 1961 Bay of Pigs invasion, and recounting the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, in which Kennedy prevented the Soviets from setting up nuclear missile sites in Cuba, Castro insisted that John F. Kennedy and Barack Obama couldn't be more different than one another.

"Unlike the benevolent Barack Obama, who recently offered to meet with just about any despot he can get his hands on," Castro asserted, "John F. Kennedy was a mean-spirited individual who loathed despots, and would never have agreed to meet with any kind of despot, let alone, a despicable, miserable tyrant like me."

However, Caroline Kennedy today rejected Castro's criticism of her father and insisted that had Kennedy been alive today, he too, like Obama, would have offered to meet with Castro and would have even offered to sell him nuclear weapons.

"Please keep in mind that my father ascended to the Presidency during the Cold War," she said, "when most Americans were still mistrustful of tyrants and believed that nuclear weapons in the hands of tyrants posed a direct threat to the free world. But today the American people are a lot more sophisticated than that, and have long since dispelled such superstitious notions."

Meanwhile, Barack Obama today reacted ambivalently towards Castro's laudatory remarks.

"It's kind of cool to hear those compliments coming from Castro," Obama proclaimed at a campaign stop in Havana, Cuba today, "but why did it take a tyrant like Castro to realize just how different Jack Kennedy and I really are?" I DiggIt!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Rambo Remembers McCain As A Valiant POW In Vietnam

Hollywood megastar, Sylvester Stallone, expounded on his decision Thursday to endorse Arizona Senator John McCain for the 2008 presidential nomination, telling reporters today that his decision was based upon his own experience as an American POW in the Hollywood action film "Rambo", where, like John McCain, he was captured by the North Vietnamese and brutally tortured.

"Those interrogations were so brutal, I can't even begin to describe them to you," Stallone said." Yet, through it all, John McCain remained defiant, and never gave up any valuable information to his interrogators. And if he's elected President, I'm sure he'll stand up to the Democrats in congress, just like he stood up to those Vietcong beasts."

"The Dems may try to torture him," Stallone continued, "Perhaps they'll hang him by his tongue, or pull out his finger nails, but in the end, I can assure you, McCain will always remain faithful to his whimsical ideolog......I his Conservative ideologies."

However, Senator McCain, upon hearing how Stallone had lavished praise upon him, insisted that it was Stallone who was the real war hero, and not him.

"All I did was languish away in a squalid and roach-infested jail cell, hoping I would one day see the light of day," McCain said, "but Stallone acted out the kind of heroics I could have only dreamt about."

"I appreciate Sylvester's kind words and I'm happy to have him on board with me," McCain said, "but Stallone's on-screen heroics, without question, went beyond the call of duty and certainly surpassed anything I ever did in real life."

Meanwhile, former world karate champion and Hollywood tough guy, Chuck Norris, who's recently been traveling the country, campaigning for Republican hopeful Mike Huckabee, says he's not at all fazed by Rambo's endorsement of McCain.

"It's really pathetic when you think about it," Norris said, "John McCain can't come up with any of his own ideas, so he's got to steal our ideas. As soon as I decide to endorse Mike Huckabee, McCain's got to come up with his own Hollywood tough guy to endorse his candidacy. The guy's pathetic, he really is."

Asked if he thought John McCain had a better chance of beating Mike Huckabee now that he had "Rambo" on his side, the martial arts aficionado replied, "Hell, I wouldn't worry about that! If Rambo so much as lays a hand on Huckabee, I'll give him a reverse roundhouse right in his gut, then I'll follow up with one right on McCains chin, and if that doesn't work, well - I suppose I've always got my nun-chucks." I DiggIt!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Osama Bin Laden Endorses Barack Obama For President

Barack Obama today received a major boost in his quest to become the next US President, when he hauled in a ringing endorsement from one of the world's foremost terrorists, Al Qaeda chief, Osama Bin Laden.

In an op-ed piece in today's New York Times, Bin Laden cites Obama's close relationship with the Reverend Jeremiah Wright - who once referred to the 9/11 attacks as a "wake-up call" to "white America" for ignoring the concerns of "people of color," - as proof that Obama is sympathetic to Al Qaeda and that he would be responsive to its needs, if elected President in 2008.

"Barack Obama and Reverend Wright clearly understand why this war against the infidels is so crucial, " Bin Laden goes on to say. "Obama deserves our wholehearted support. Hence, I am endorsing his Presidential candidacy, and I call on all terrorists, wherever they may be lurking, to cast their votes for him."

However, Barack Obama today, while extolling the virtues of Osama Bin Laden and the Reverend Jeremiah Wright , announced that he was officially distancing himself from their "hateful comments and ill-timed remarks".

"While I'll always regard Reverend Wright and Osama Bin Laden as the greatest leaders of the 21st century," Obama said, "Mr. Wright's anti-American vituperations and Bin Laden's ringing endorsement of me are totally unacceptable to me at this current point in time, when Americans are deciding who their next President will be. Therefore, effective as of today, I am disavowing any affiliation with them - and I implore them to please shut their yaps until the election is over and the Presidency is securely in my hands." I DiggIt!

Monday, December 31, 2007

Survey Shows Voters Seeking Change ......Of Heart

According to a recent survey conducted on behalf of The Associated Press, four in 10 GOP voters have switched Presidential candidates in the past month, and nearly two-thirds say they might change their minds again!

Dr. George Turnwell, noted political analyst and head of UCLA's political science department, says the survey shows that this years Presidential campaign "is all about change".

"Voters in this year's primaries are desperately seeking change," he said, "and by constantly switching candidates, they are indeed, changing each and every day!"

The survey also found that half of all voters – including four in 10 Republicans – say they know too little about Mike Huckabee to even say whether they have a favorable impression of him!

"Perhaps if I knew a little bit more about Mr. Huckabee, I'd actually start to like him," said Molly Kurnswine, a senior at the Des Moines Roosevelt High School. "But I'm afraid that if I do get to know him better, I may find out he's even more despicable than I thought he was. Truth be told, it's quite possible that if I'd get to know all of the candidates better, I'd end up hating every single one of them! I really don't know who to vote for this year. Maybe I'll just do the ole' coin toss again."

Meanwhile, at a campaign stump in Iowa today, John Edwards said that if voters truly want change, they should vote for him.

"Change has been the cornerstone of my political career," Edwards told the crowd. "Just take a look at my record and you'll see that I've constantly changed my mind on just about every issue!"

"If change is what you're looking for," Edwards added, "you can rest assured that if I'm elected President I'll never stick to one position on any given issue for more than 24 hours! And that's a promise you can take with you to the bank!" I DiggIt!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Sudanese Teddy Bear Feared Dead

Gillian Gibbons, the British school teacher jailed in Sudan for allowing her students to name a teddy bear Muhammad, could be released within days, British officials said today. British officials also confirmed a BBC news report that the teddy bear had been abducted by a group of militants and hauled off to an undisclosed location on Saturday.

According to the BBC, Sudanese militants broke into the school Saturday morning and found the distraught bear hiding inside Ms. Gibbons' desk. Several of Ms. Gibbons' students, tried to shield the bear from harm, but the miltants reportedly grabbed the bear, threw him in the back seat of a waiting jeep and drove off.

However, according to several eye-witnesses, including one bear who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity, the hapless teddy bear was beheaded shortly after his abduction.

"Yes, they killed him," said the eye-witness bear, who identified himself as a long-time friend of Muhammad's.

"This innocent, lovable and cuddly bear did not deserve to die this way!" the bereaved bear lamented. "He did not ask to be called Muhammad, nor did he wish to be called Muhammad. His name was Teddy! That's the name he was given at birth, and that's what all the bears back home in the toy store used to call him!"

Meanwhile, CNN is reporting that 25 Sudanese militants and 16 teddy bears were killed today during violent clashes that broke out between the two groups earlier in the day.

Sudan's president, Omar al-Bashir called on the country's teddy bear population "to end the violence immediately" and to "respect the law of the land".

"The fact of the matter is, Ms. Gibbons' students committed an act of blasphemy when they named that teddy bear 'Muhammad'!" Al-Bashir asserted. "Thus, I believe that both, Ms. Gibbons and the teddy bear deserve the death penalty to atone for the students' heinous crime!" I DiggIt!